Anger Management Workbook

Anger Busting Workbook

Page 15

Anger and Communication Problems

This little diagram is called the Johari Window  developed in the 1950s by a couple of psychologists named Joe Luft and Harry Ingham. It is called a window because, obviously, it looks like a windowpane, but also because it helps us to "look in" on the way relationships work. The diagram helps to describe the way personal information is shared or understood between people. The top left pane tells us that I reveal certain information about myself to everyone. The bottom left pane indicates that there is some information about me that I hide from just about everyone. The bottom right pane shows that there is some information about myself that I don't even understand, and nobody else does either. And the top right pane reveals that there is information about me that practically everyone else around me can and does know, but I don't. This is called a blind spot. We all have them. And what we can't see really can hurt us.

The Johari Window is an interesting tool that can be used to help individuals and groups work on many different communication problems, but for our purposes we are going to stay focused on the top right panel  the blind spot. As we have already mentioned, there are just certain things about ourselves that we don't see, and even if we could, we wouldn't see them or understand them the way those around us do. It is just human nature to either ignore, excuse or reinterpret our actions in a way that puts us in the best possible light. People with anger problems  we call them anger addicts  usually have huge blind spots where anger is concerned. Other people say we are shouting, when we think we are only trying to make a point. Others say we get too physical, when all we are trying to do is keep them in the room so we can talk through a misunderstanding until it is settled. Others say that we lose control when we get angry, when we are certain that we are only being firm, but reasonable. How can so many people get things so confused?

The point of all this is that, as an anger addict, you have a huge blind spot where anger is concerned. First, you deny that you even get angry; then, when your anger gets so out of control that it is obvious to everyone including you, you deny it is your fault, instead blaming someone else for causing the problem.

This last trick  blaming someone else for your out-of-control anger  is an old dodge called "scapegoating." Most anger addicts are really good at this. I bet you know the drill. You and your wife get in a huge fight. You call her a bunch of really nasty names, at the top of your lungs. Then you pin her against the wall when she tries to leave the room. When she twists and shoves,