Anger Management Workbook
Anger Busting Workbook
Page 177
Accusing This category can also take several
forms, but the idea is to use shame or blame or humiliation
to manipulate him into changing. No matter what the
message is, the goal is to guilt-trip him into doing
better. (Just FYI, no matter what he says to you, he
is already feeling guilty. Piling on more guilt just
makes him feel more trapped, which produces more anger.)
Threatening When all else fails, use threats.
Threatening isn't always bad, but never make a threat
that you aren't absolutely ready and willing to carry
out. Using threats in the middle of an argument is a
recipe for disaster.
Below are 11 phrases that we are strongly
encouraging you to stop using with your partner.
They don't help, and they can make things
worse. They each fit into at least one of the four categories
we mentioned above. As you study each one, try to guess
which unhelpful category it fits in, and record the
appropriate letter in the blank next to it.
R = REASONING
C = CONFRONTING
A = ACCUSING
T = THREATENING
1. Go ahead and tell me how you really
feel. _____________
Anger addicts thrive on expressing feelings,
mostly angry ones. Expressing anger charges their anger
batteries and increases the intensity of their anger
event. If he is working on this Anger Busting program,
too, then his assignment is to avoid speaking when angry.
Don't try to draw him out. It would be better to let
the moment pass without saying anything. Tomorrow, tell
him thank you for restraining himself.
2. Tell me when you are angry. Don't let
it build up. _____________
It might seem logical to let anger out
before it builds to a boiling point. But with an addict,
letting out his anger is one of the things that causes
it to build to a boiling point. If he takes the lid
off, he will boil over. He must turn the fire down.
That means not discussing his anger at all while he
is angry. The anger will then gradually weaken and cool
down.
3. We need to resolve this right NOW!
______________
This kind of a demand is usually secret
code for, I know I am right and I am going to make us
go over it and over and over it until you give in and
agree with me! This is not a very good technique for
solving problems in any relationship, but it is a terrible
way to talk to an anger addict. It might be better for
you to take a few minutes each, spread over several
evenings, to gradually express your opinions. Make allowances
for time outs and don't press for an immediate solution.
He is not only trying to listen to you, he is trying
to cool down his anger.
4. You are always running away. You never
want to talk with me. ____________
It is always better for a rageaholic to
end the conversation and leave the room before he has
an anger attack. And if he feels that he is being criticized
for something, or asked to fix a problem that seems
hopeless at the moment, that will trigger a feeling
of being trapped. Situations like this
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