Anger Management Workbook

Anger Busting Workbook

Page 33

Abstain From These Behaviors

As you can imagine, Jerry was skeptical at first, just as you may be right now. Most people take a little convincing and a lot of practice before they get the Big Picture behind this whole idea of abstaining from angry behaviors. To some guys, it seems like a cop-out, or a wimp-out. It might feel like you are giving people a free pass to walk all over you. But here's the deal: anger addicts can't control their anger. The only option you have is to stop expressing it. You must slam on the brakes now if there is to be any hope of saving your relationships and/or your job and beginning to build a more satisfying life for yourself. Eventually, you will have a chance to learn a different way to solve problems and resolve conflict. However, for now, it is better to "lose" an argument than to lose your family or your job, or both. So, let's look at the list of 16 separate things that a rageaholic must stop doing in order to turn out the fire under the anger pressure cooker.

1. Stop speaking.

Silence is the all-time, fail-proof safest action to take when we feel rage well up inside of us. In the middle of a budding disagreement or a frustrating situation, you probably tell yourself things like, "I'm not going to just sit her and let her talk to me that way!" Instead, start telling yourself something like, "Don't go there, buddy. Just take a deep breath and keep driving." Even if your wife wants to draw you into a dialogue (that could lead to an argument), stay silent. If she asks if you are mad at her, respond as casually as possible, with something like, "Not in the least. I'm just happy to be alive and in love with you." Remind yourself that silence doesn't mean you have stopped listening. It means that you are in control of your anger.

2. Stop staying.

Again, this is very simple: when you feel the anger starting to build inside, leave the scene quickly and quietly. You should begin to monitor your anger signs to become aware of your internal anger states. Think of a scale of 0 - 10, with zero meaning no anger and ten equaling rage. Once you have reached five or higher, it is time to evacuate the area. If you get to eight, it may be too late. Learn to take "time-outs." Leave the scene and don't come back until you have calmed down, and make sure not to come back until your wife has calmed down, too.

3. Stop Staring.

Maybe the word we should use here is glaring, because that is really what we are talking about. Angry people are very good at striking out in anger simply by bearing down on others with the old "evil eye" in order to make it very clear that "I've got you in my sights." Don't stare when you are angry. Look at the floor, look at the ceiling, look anywhere, but don't stare at the other person. This can provoke a confrontation and it will only turn up the fire under your pressure cooker.

4. Stop interrupting.

Cutting off someone else in order to get your own point across or to defend yourself is another way to stoke that angry fire. Train yourself not to interrupt others. Also, if someone interrupts you, you must allow it. Instead of standing your ground, go back to rule one: Abstain from speaking. If you don't think you can do that, move on to rule two --leave.