Anger Management Workbook

Anger Busting Workbook

Page 70

Violence and Anger
Anger and a Spiritual Belief System

People think of religion as a system that can be manipulated and used to manipulate. We're definitely not interested in another control system here. What we are talking about is Spirituality. You might say that spirituality is simply the idea of being open to the possibility of God touching your life. You don't need a system or a set of rules and doctrines for this; you only need to let go of your end of the rope and say, "Okay, I am open to the possibility of God touching my life." From that point on, just let things unfold naturally, and follow where it leads.

The purpose of this chapter then is to present to you a set of 20 spiritual values that are common to most of the world's spiritual belief systems. We strongly urge you to find ways to substitute these simple, universal truths for the old, control-driven values that have fueled your anger in the past.

1. Practice self-restraint - don't always express yourself.

You are already getting familiar with this idea because you have learned to abstain from the 16 destructive behaviors we discussed in Chapter One. But did you know that neurologists have discovered that changing behavior actually changes the way we think? Researchers using MRI technology can document changes in the electrochemical pathways in our brains when we work on changing an old behavior pattern. Self-restraint then actually teaches you to think in ways that are different, and better.

2. Practice kindness - not revenge.

For anger addicts, this will often involve acting and speaking in ways that are not exactly in line with our feelings. Sometimes other people get in our way or frustrate us with their needs and problems. At times like this, instead of just blurting out our angry thoughts and feelings, we will have to choose to talk and act in ways that are gentle, careful and respectful, even though what we really want to do is erupt and tell then exactly how we feel. The Bible talks about "speaking the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15). It is important to be honest, but if you can't express your honesty with love and kindness, it is better to keep quiet for now.

3. Practice being gracious - not critical.

How many people around you - spouse, children, friends, coworkers - have actually changed for the better because of your attempts to "help" them through constant critical remarks? Fear and negativity are terrible motivators. People may make some changes in order to appease you, but there is also a good chance that they will end up resenting you. They could even start digging an anger hole of their own. Occasionally it might be important to correct someone who is confused about something important, but not nearly as often as you think. Most of the time, what people need is encouragement, comfort and love. Do yourself and your loved ones a favor: resign from the job of pointing out what is wrong with them - especially your wife. Use the space below to write a resignation letter to God stating that you will no longer use criticism to "improve" the people around you.