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Page 96
Anger
Management Resources:
Abstaining From Talking When you are Angry
What you have read so far is just the
set-up, kind of like the beginning of the drug commercial
where they start out by saying "This is your brain"
... (before they say, "and this is your brain on
drugs"). Got the picture so far? "This is
Carter ..." Now, up next is either "... and
this is Carter either making a colossal mistake"
or "... and this is Carter pulling out a remarkable
save."
You are now going to read two possible
endings for the story above. In a way, it is kind of
like being part of one of those test audiences for a
movie that is about to be released. Your job now is
to pick the ending that has the best possible chance
of getting Carter out of the doghouse and maybe even
saving his marriage. Back to the story.
Ending number one:
"Look, Rachel," Carter snaps. "I had
important things to do today, too. You aren't the only
one who has a big important job with a big important
company. My company counts on me to give them 100% and
that's what I do. I can't afford to cut and run for
every little tea party that you plan for you and your
little friends. We can get there late, or we can forget
the whole thing. Now get out of my face and let me decide
if am going to take a shower or just sit here and rest
a minute!"
Ending number two:
Carter catches himself, takes a deep breath and says,
"I'm so sorry, Rachel. Can you ever forgive me
for being so insensitive and selfish? I don't know what
got into me just now. I must be crazy or stupid or both
to come so close to ruining your special evening. Let
me just splash some water on my face and change shirts.
I'll be ready to go in five minutes."
Even without seeing this live, we hope
you still get the picture. If you voted for ending number
one, then you need to go back and redo the first two
chapters of this book! This is a nobrainer slam-dunk.
If Carter picks ending number one, he is deep in the
doghouse, sleeping on the couch tonight and probably
well on his way to sleeping alone permanently-at least
as far as Rachel is concerned.
On the other hand, if he is smart enough,
quick enough and sincere enough to correct his trajectory
in mid-sentence and go for ending number two, he is
probably out of the deep doghouse, maybe even out of
the doghouse altogether. If he can build on this momentum
for the rest of the evening, by the time they get home,
Rachel may even forget this unpleasant event ever happened.
And that could be a good thing, too.
So, who in his right mind would ever choose
anything else except ending number two, or some variation
of it, whenever he has done something hurtful or offensive
to his wife? Anger addicts, of course. They choose the
wrong answer all the time, often more than once in the
same day - sometimes more than once in the same sentence!
The goal of this chapter is to help you begin to change
this pattern, and learn to communicate with your wife
in a way that is helpful instead of hurtful.
Start By Putting a Sock In It
By now you have already been practicing
abstaining from talking when you are angry.
The less you talk, the less likely you are to say the
kind of stupid things that could have (maybe they
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