Anger Management Workbook

Anger Busting Workbook

Page 98

Anger Management Class:
Defuse the Conversation

you just keep defending yourself to your wife. And the more you defend yourself, the wronger and wronger you get. And your wife begins to think you are a jerk, because you are acting like a jerk. She decides you don't really care about her or her needs and feelings. (That would be because you are sending a clear message that you only care about yourself.) And if this goes on long enough, she decides she doesn't really love you and she doesn't trust you. If you want to nip this whole thing in the bud, just learn to lose by learning to say, "You are right."

Now, on those rare occasions where you might even be completely justified in the opinion you have expressed, are we asking you to go ahead and lie? Well, kinda, but not exactly. Remember, arguments are no good for anger addicts. They will always lead you in the wrong direction by turning up the fire under your pressure cooker. So we want to suggest a way for you to cool that fire and maintain a loving communication connection with your wife. If you are in the deep doghouse - or headed in that direction - use this strategy to head off an argument:

Say the phrase, "You are right."
Find some grain of truth in what she is saying, and agree with that.
Get your "but" out of the way. Don't say, "You are right, but ..."
Don't argue, don't defend, don't explain, don't justify, don't preach, don't utter any other words other than "You are right." Find some way to agree with her and defuse the conversation as fast as you can. You may have an opportunity to express your opinion later (much later) when you are for sure out of the deep doghouse.

The CBSSW Phrases Very often, your wife may be surprised or suspicious when you suddenly agree with her. She may ask you a few more questions, just to try to nail down what is really going on. If that happens, rely on the CBSSW phrases. These letters stand for

Crazy
Bad
Stupid
Sick
Wrong

Insert these words into whatever response you make to her questions, as follows:

"It was a totally crazy reaction. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"That was just bad and stupid of me."

"I was stupid to have done (or said or thought) that."

"I was wrong. You were right."

"I must be really sick to even think like that."