Anger Management Class - Anger Check Up from the Neck Up

by James A. Baker

Dear AngerManagementSeminar.com:

A couple of weeks ago me and my fiancée got into it over nothing, as usual. One minute we were sitting on the couch watching a movie and the next minute she is telling me I need to ask my boss for a raise so we can afford to get married. I hate it when she gets pushy with me so I told her to stop bugging me about it and she starting crying and said I didn't care about our future or something stupid like that. We ended up screaming and shoving each other, but of course, I got the blame and now I have to take anger management to handle MY problem. The only problem I have is the way she keeps putting me down and telling me I am a loser.

Fed up in Baytown

Anger Management Class - Anger Check Up from the Neck Up

Dear AngerManagementSeminar.com:
Please help me. I am having a terrible time at work and I almost got fired this week. I work really hard at my job. I get there on time and put in a full 8 hours. I am conscientious and I have a low error rate. The other women in my office make careless errors, they come and go as they please, and they spend half of their time gossiping about everyone else. When I get my work done and others are falling behind, I often help them catch up, but I get no appreciation for this. They still goof off and I am sure they talk about me behind my back. I have asked my boss to make them work harder, but she ignores me. Finally, last week I couldn't take it anymore. One of the girls - the biggest gossip of all - started whispering to her friend just as soon as I came out of my supervisor's office. I knew she was talking about me again, so I got in her face and let her have it. I accidentally knocked a lamp off of her desk and it broke. My supervisor came out, yelled at me and wrote me up! I am NOT the problem. What should I do?

Got the Memphis Blues

Anger Management Class - Anger Check Up from the Neck Up

Dear AngerManagementSeminar.com:

I have a 15-year old son who is smart, but lazy and disrespectful to me and his teachers all the time. My 13-year old daughter just wants to spend my money on designer clothes and talk all the time to her rich friends on the phone. I am a single mom; just struggling to keep us out of the poor house. I get no respect and no help from my kids. When I get home at night the house is a wreck, they haven't done their homework and all they are thinking about is what is for dinner. Yes, I get angry. Some days I get really angry and scream at them for being so selfish and foolish. I feel bad afterwards, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want them to end up like me. They can do better but if they don't start trying, they are going to end up with nothing. I am just trying to make them face reality. Now my pastor wants ME to take anger management.

Michigan Mom

Anger Management Class - Anger Check Up from the Neck Up

In most cases, angry outbursts have a trigger - some perceived threat or loss that launches us into a fight or flight defensive mode. We lash out in anger in an attempt to gain some control or safety. That is fine when you are facing a roaring lion or a mugger, but it is usually not helpful in relationship issues, especially when conflict in relationships is often caused by misunderstandings and faulty assumptions. Frankly, sometimes we get angry over nothing.

Anger Management Class - Anger Check Up from the Neck Up

Here is something I try to impress upon our clients: “Situations don't cause emotions; what we BELIEVE about the situation is what causes the emotion.” Here is an example. On a recent family vacation, a friend of mine stepped out of the cabin one morning and almost stepped on a coral snake! He, of course, experienced an immediate rush of defensive energy - the same energy that drives our anger - and sprung into action to get rid of the snake. He perceived correctly that the snake posed a risk to himself and his family. BUT, what if he had stepped out of the cabin and instead saw a very good rubber replica of a coral snake? Chances are he would have initially reacted with the some rush of defensive anger, even though the situation was actually not the same at all. In one situation the snake was a real threat, while in the other the “snake” was no threat at all, but in both situations there is the belief that a real danger is present.
Fed Up in Baytown believes that his girlfriend thinks he is a lazy failure (even though she may just be trying to encourage him or she may be expressing her own anxiety about the future). Memphis Blues believes (assumes) she is being made the butt of office jokes and feels rejected and disrespected, even though she never actually hears anyone talking about her. Michigan Mom has teens at home, behaving in a way that is annoying, but is typical of teens. She believes their behavior is going to lead to them being unsuccessful in life, which is more a comment on her anger at herself and her own situation than it is a prediction that her kids will be failures.

When it comes to anger, what you think is what you get. Faulty assumptions, irrational thinking, misunderstandings and miscommunication are the driving forces behind the vast majority of anger patterns. If you have a problem with chronic anger, stop blaming other people and start with a “check up from the neck up.” Instead of being a victim of other people's cruel behavior, you may be a victim of your own flawed assumptions. Make sure you have all the facts. It will help you avoid flying off the handle.

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