Anger Management - Stop Kidding Yourself

by James A. Baker

Anger Management Classes - Stop Kidding Yourself
Dear AngerManagementSeminar.com:

I am a respected professional; I spent years building a successful practice, served multiple terms as president of an active service organization, and I have even once been named as Person of the Year in my community for my work in establishing a Big Brothers Big Sisters program. I admit that I tend to be pretty driven; I am goal oriented and I like to get things done. Sometimes I get impatient with people who seem not to care about excellence, but I am not one of those people who punch holes in walls. You can imagine my surprise then, when my wife packed up, took our two kids, and moved three states away to stay with her sister. She told me my anger was starting to scare her and she wasn't coming back until I had completed anger management training and could prove I had a different attitude. I don't whether to laugh or cry. This is ridiculous.

Not Taking Anger Management Classes in New Haven

Dear Not:

I am sure you have many admirable qualities - most people have at least one or two - but that doesn't mean you don't have a problem with anger. Anger addicts often rely on denial to avoid facing the truth about what is really going on with their anger, either by blaming their terrible, destructive behavior on someone else or by minimizing it; i.e., claiming that it is not as bad as it really is. It is possible that you have been lying to yourself - brainwashing yourself -- for so long that you programmed yourself into really believing that what other regard as anger is simply your dedication to excellence, perfection, punctuality, or whatever. And when other people fail to meet your standards, that makes you angry and you let them have. You have become blind to your real problem. Well, let us draw you a picture:

Anger Management Classes - How to Draw You A Johari Window



This little diagram is called the Johari Window - developed in the 1950s by a couple of psychologists named Joe Luft and Harry Ingham. It is called a window because, obviously, it looks like a windowpane, but also because it helps us to "look in" on the way relationships work. The diagram helps to describe the way personal information is shared or understood between people. The top left pane tells us that I reveal certain information about myself to everyone. The bottom left pane indicates that there is some information about me that I hide from just about everyone. The bottom right pane shows that there is some information about myself that I don't even understand, and nobody else does either. And the top right pane reveals that there is information about me that practically everyone else around me can and does know, but I don't. This is called a blind spot. We all have them. And what we can't see really can hurt us.

The Johari Window is an interesting tool that can be used to help individuals and groups work on lots of different communication problems, but for our purposes we are going to stay focused on the top right panel - the blind spot. As we have already mentioned, there are just certain things about ourselves that we don't see, and even if we could, we wouldn't see them or understand them the way those around us do. It is just human nature to ignore, excuse or reinterpret our actions in a way that puts us in the best possible light. People with anger problems - we call them anger addicts - usually have huge blind spots where their anger is concerned. People will say that an anger addict is shouting, when she thinks she is only putting extra emphasis in her voice to make a point. Others might accuse an anger addict of getting too physical when he gets angry, when he thinks all he is trying to do is make someone stay in the room so he can talk through a misunderstanding until it is settled. Others may say that an anger addict loses control when he gets angry, when he is certain that he is only being firm, but reasonable. How can so many people get things so confused?

Does any of this sound familiar? That's because as an anger addict, you have a HUGE BLIND SPOT where anger is concerned. First, you deny that you even get angry; then, when your anger gets so out of control that it is obvious to everyone including you, you deny it is your fault, blaming someone else for causing the problem, instead.
The Blind Spot is there for a reason. If you ever took a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror you would be shocked at what you saw staring back at you. It is too ugly and too embarrassing; better to just keep your eyes closed and hope nobody notices. Too late for that now. You are only writing me because your wife told you to get help or else. The secret's out. You might as well suck it up, take a deep breath, and get eye-ball to eye-ball with the person in the mirror. At this point he is your worst nightmare, but also your only hope.

Anger Management Classes - Help You Get Ready to Make a change
There are a lot of reasons that people develop these behavior patterns, and we are not going to discuss any of them here because it doesn't matter. You can spend three years in therapy figuring that part out if you want to. The important thing is that it has to stop NOW. And it can. Quit making excuses. Get your houseboat out of "De-Nial." Face the person in the mirror. And get ready to change. The faster you stop kidding yourself, get into a program, and learn how to live a safer, saner life, the faster your chances of getting your family back will improve.

 

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