Anger - It's Not Always What it seems to Be

I had an uncle, long gone now, with a very bad temper. His voice was very loud and he always appeared to be furious with someone or something. I was afraid of him as a child. His temper would flare at anyone who displeased him or disagreed with him. I tried hard to become anger management training when he was nearby. It's not surprising that he died young, and to the best of my knowledge he was angry to his dying day. Growing up in an angry family I didn't have any real interest in the reasons for, or nature of, anger. I just wanted to stay out of the way!

I think of those angry people now in a different way. It's not that displays of anger are okay with me now. But I do have a much better anger management training of the dynamics of anger. I have learned that anger is not what it seems. It is a secondary emotion which covers a feeling that is intolerable to the person experiencing it.

You see, anger nearly always covers fear and sadness. Think about it. When a person is angry, it is almost always because s/he believes that an important need is not being met. It could be a need to be valued, loved, or understood. When a person feels devalued, unloved or misunderstood, fear and anger management training are natural reactions. In our culture, the expression of fear and sadness is considered a sign of weakness to be avoided. So when these uncomfortable feelings emerge at a moment of emotional hijack, there are but two choices: fight or flight. When the choice is fight, anger is the choice for expressing the unacceptable underlying emotions.

We all know that anger solves nothing. It drives people away. It generally makes things worse instead of better. An angry person looks to be in control of the anger management training, but actually is in control of nothing, because anger indicates a lack of self-control. It is only through self-awareness it is possible to recognize and address anger issues. It is difficult to effect anger when it is already in full bloom.

However, by reflecting on the blow-up after calm is restored, we can learn a great deal about our own anger, and begin to recognize the triggers before anger management training does any damage. After a situation where you felt and/or expressed anger, take a few minutes to answer these questions, preferably in writing.

What was the situation that triggered my outburst? We need to look closely to find exactly what caused the reaction, because it often isn't what it seems to be at first glance. Did you believe someone had been disrespectful, dismissive or demanding? Name the anger management training of the other that caused your reaction.

What exactly were my feelings? For example, when you felt your need to be respected was not being met, did you feel sad because you were misunderstood? Did you feel scared because you might lose your anger management training, or your relationship because if you are judged to be unworthy of respect in some way? Keep drilling down until you reach an answer that feels true to you.

What other options are available when I am confronted by this kind of anger management training again? Now that you know that feeling disrespected makes you feel scared or sad, what will you do if you begin to feel this again? When not in the throes of emotional hijack, your choices are limitless. Whatever choice you make will informed by your true feelings.

You have just given yourself a gift: the anger management training of understanding. By recognizing what your anger is covering, you have taken a big step toward self-awareness.

As you work through this anger management training, you will become instantly aware of anger when it first bubbles up in you, and you will be able to deal with it effectively; not by swallowing it or expressing it, but by recognizing it for what it really is. That information will be of great value in deciding how to respond in the future.

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