Manage Your Anger Before It Manages You

I want to start by defining what anger is. It is important to make it clear that everyone experiences anger. It is an emotion and temporary in nature. Anger involves physiological as well as emotional arousal. Like any emotion, it ranges in intensity. It also ranges in frequency and durance. People express anger management training in all sorts of ways; many are likely to lead to negative health consequence, lost jobs, damaged relationships, and even possibly legal consequences.

I want to specifically discuss rage, which is an extreme, intense and potentially disabling expression of anger leading to aggressive anger management training. Uncontrollable blow ups are common in people who have maladaptive ways of coping with emotions. There are steps you can take to eliminate rage. A rage eliminator strategy involves the following steps.

1. Recognize that rage holds roots in your expectations about how other people "should" behave.

2. This one is tough, but people will at some time "fail" to live up to your expectations.

3. In these moments of disappointment, your feelings are likely to be hurt.

4. Rather than express disappointment or hurt you may "stuff" your feelings down.

5. In this unresolved state you convert disappointment to resentment and ultimately rage by telling yourself things such as "how dare he/she..."

6. If you maintain this unproductive conversation with yourself you will likely lead to feelings of self pity.

7. When you feel sorry for your self you may begin to tell yourself that this kind of thing "always" happens. This contributes to a feel of being a "victim".

8. Feeling like a victim it becomes easier to talk yourself into such things as "I'll show him/her". "I'll let them have it".

9. Once you have given your permission to "retaliate" is when angry behavior can occur.

10. In the aftermath you may feel guilty about your angry display. This can lead to a mixture of feeling crummy about yourself and continuing to feel resentful toward the other person for "doing it to me".

If you are a rager, your cycle may be slightly different. However, you can learn the specifics of your anger management training. It is hard work, but the long term pay off is worth it. You can learn to alter your expectations of other people and learn to express yourself more effectively when you are feeling hurt or disappointed.

Here are some quick rage busting ideas:

1. Write down some of your past angry displays. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. With each incident include initially a three column technique. First is the situation. Second is what you were saying to yourself about this situation. Third is your resulting emotion and behavior.

2. Next think about each incident and connect with the "subtler" emotions you felt at the time, such as hurt or disappointment.

3. Then write down how these feelings relate to your expectations for others. Related to this, include some of the "worst fears" you have about anger management training. Do you fear humiliation? Do you fear the person will leave you? Do you think people will think poorly about you? Rejection? Imperfection?

4. Identify the likelihood of your worst fears. Also identify what that would mean if the worst fear actually happened. You will likely conclude that it would be undesirable, but not the terrible life ending, devastating thing you had imaged. Anger management training can help.

5. Identify things you could say to yourself to to keep from converting feelings of hurt to feeling of rage.

6. Practice in your mind past incidents where you blew up. However, this time bring yourself to the point before you blew up and use self talk strategies to work this situation through more effectively. Mental rehearsal is a power strategy. It is used by top athletes to rehearse successful performances. It is can also be used as a way of "retraining" yourself to think, feel and behave in different ways. Practice this anger management training strategy frequently.

7. Write a list of people you need to have a conversation of responsibility with about your past actions. Remember, an apology or statement of responsibility is more effective when you have created and maintained anger management training for a time.

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