Anger Management
Training Institute
Dealing
with Anger
Q:
What causes a person to experience
anger?
A:
There are basically two ways of experiencing
anger. You can feel angry with yourself
over not having done as well as you had hoped on an
examination, or you can have the other kind
of anger which is directed at someone
else or some object. In other words, you can stub your
toe walking over a carpet and be angry about that, or
you can be angry at a sales person in the store, or
with a spouse of girlfriend/boyfriend as a result of
an argument or dispute. Internal
anger is directed at yourself for
something that you have done or not done and external
anger is the result of an interaction
with another person.
Q:
What are some ways of dealing
with anger?
A:
Probably the most productive way is taking your angry
feelings to the source, in other words, directly to
the person involved. If your angry feeling are directed
at yourself and you are angry
with yourself about something, try to express those
feelings to a friend, a colleague or a counselor.
In other words, to kind of get it off your chest. It
is very important to get out angry feelings regardless
of what kind of anger
you’re feeling.
Q:
What are some of the non-productive ways of dealing
with anger?
A:
Instead of expressing
feelings, the non-productive way would be to bottle
them up, keeping those feelings inside. An expression
that is frequently used is "sandbagging".
Sandbagging your angry feelings means to avoid the person
for whom anger is directed, sidestepping
the issue, keeping the
anger inside, instead of being direct
with a person. Sandbagging results in being indirect
and sarcastic. Many people fear hurting someone else’s
feelings if they share angry feelings. Yet by holding
on to anger, the other person ends
up feeling hurt and relationships are damaged. Having
a lot of angry feelings that are pent up could lead
to punitive kinds of behavior or resentment, directly
or indirectly. People that you are involved with, a
boyfriend of girlfriend or a spouse, know when
you are angry. There are ways that you show it indirectly.
And when you don’t
express that anger directly to them,
usually they resent it, and the frustration can cause
people to withdraw from each other.
Q:
Many people are not even aware they are angry, or that
they’re not expressing it. How does a person become
aware of whether they’re expressing their
anger or not?
A:
One way for people to tell whether they are angry is
if they are short
tempered. If you find your honking your horn
at traffic, if you are not able to concentrate on your
work like you want to, these are all ways of knowing
that something is wrong. Agitated feelings are good
clues to unexpressed
anger. Also, there are occasionally
some physical symptoms that go along with unexpressed
anger, such as migraine headaches, peptic
ulcers, upset stomach, tension headaches. Usually your
body tells you that something is wrong. You are bottling
something up, and you are not expressing those angers.
Q:
Is there a decision-making process related to expressing
anger?
A:
When you have angry feelings ,you have to decide if
this is the right time and the right place to express
these feelings. You may in fact be in the company of
others when you have these angry
feelings, and you may want to find a nice quiet
place where you can explain and express those feelings,
or tell those feelings to the person you feel has caused
them or at least is directly involved with you. So,
it very much is a decision.
Q:
How about the trust factor? Would you have to trust
somebody before you express angry feelings to them,
or does trust have anything to do with it?
A:
Expressing anger is a lot easier if we
trust someone. On the other hand, level of trust is
not imperative. We may feel angry toward a clerk in
a store or a salesperson and we don’t know what
the level of trust is. I think the most important thing
is to trust yourself. Trust your feelings and let your
feelings out.
Q:
For the person who hasn’t learned too much about
expressing
anger, are there preliminary steps that one
can start taking to learn more about their angry feelings?
A:
Yes, there is and considering it a series of steps is
the easiest way to look at it. The first step is to
be aware if something is going on where you are finding
yourself agitated, if you are snapping at friends, if
you’re not doing well in your work. You know something
is wrong. Give yourself time, take a few moments, locate
the source. Locating the source is the second step.
Is it something you have or haven’t done? Is it
something inside that is going on? Or is it the result
of an interaction with a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend,
spouse? The third step would be to choose the right
time and the right place to express that anger.
If it is anger that is inside you directed
at yourself, then find a friend, check it out. See if
they have the time to listen to you. Get it off your
chest. If it is the result of an interaction with a
certain other person, then find the right time and the
right place and let them know that this is something
important to you to express. And finally, number four
would be to tell them your anger in the
most simple, direct way you can think of. And always
remember that you have the responsibility to express
your anger. The other person may not respond
the way you want them to--they may not be willing to
hear it-- but the important thing is that is their responsibility.
You only have the responsibility to tell them and that’s
about it. If you have further questions about anger
or how you deal with it, please contact the University
of Florida Counseling Center at 301 Peabody Hall.
University
of Texas
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