One school of thought I came across seemed to suggest that, if one were just balanced enough, anger would not need active expression--that it could be channeled through exercise, dance, singing, or focused breathwork. I tried that approach but the situation that triggered the anger was still there, and working to indirectly diffuse my own feelings seemed to make it more intense the next time.

I also tried being in support groups where I was encouraged to rant and rave, venting my anger with a plastic bat and pillow, etc. This was great, really great, for releasing physical tensions and might even have kept me from having a cerebral hemorrhage, but since I knew I would never actually take a bat to the person I was so angry with, it seemed to fall short of a completed expression.

Writing letters to the people I was angry with was another useful tool, allowing me to get very clear in my own mind about how I felt and what I wanted to say to the person. I would often burn the letters, in a ceremony of release. This, also, was powerful and healing. All the tools I had learned, for dealing with anger, were useful in my life and allowed me to grow. None of them had, at that point, allowed me to be able to alter the reactive situations that resulted in anger.

Finally, I began to understand that the reason none of these tools worked to completely heal my imbalance with anger was that the anger was the second emotion repressed, not the first. It was not primary cause, but secondary cause. Underneath the anger, the emotion most needing expression was feelings of hurt and/or fear of loss.

The anger was a wall built around my vulnerability, a necessary defense mechanism of childhood as a way of dealing with rage which had no safe outlet and, consequently, a necessary motivator in the adulthood on which that pattern was built. What I had not understood was that the anger was a cry from the hurt part of me, a cry for recognition and validation, or a cry for comfort and reassurance. I began to ask myself, when situations made me angry, "What is hurting underneath?" or "What am I afraid I will lose, if I say how I feel?" At first, I tried to get the other person to validate my pain, my hurt feelings, or my fear. This usually didn't work because the real source was in childhood and not the present situation. After a time, I realized that it had to start with me. I had to be willing to comfort myself and validate my own feelings.

When I began to turn my attention toward giving myself my own love and acceptance, the anger would lessen. I would begin to identify root causes, and separate past feelings from current ones. For example, I could separate feelings about what my father (an abusive alcoholic) may have done or said from what my husband was doing or saying. Then, I could honestly express my feelings toward the present situation, including my anger, without it being colored by past experience, and without manipulating the other person into being responsible for what I was choosing to express. I learned that suppression of anger doesn't make it go away. Suppressing anger is like trying to contain fire. Eventually, the fire burns through and flames up and can devour you at unexpected moments if properly triggered. So, I learned to discern what was from the now, and what was surfacing from the unexpressed past.

This process of discernment is what I call developing a sense of responsible anger. Responsible anger means I will be responsible for my own anger, for my own feelings, and for the full expression of those feelings to a point of clearing, healing and transformative change. I will pay attention to myself, and provide loving acceptance for whatever I need to feel. In choosing to express responsible anger, one must agree to keep the focus on oneself and what is being felt, rather than projecting that anger toward the other person in an attempt to get them to take any kind of action through energy manipulation. Some of the actions that can be manipulated into expression through anger include a forced apology, a feeling of guilt in the other person, or just simply a moment of acknowledgement that is not naturally present but is forced into being by angry insistence. I am certainly not perfected in this process. It took time to develop a habit of hiding my hurt with anger, then my anger with silent resentment and depression, so I expect it will take time to learn a new way.

If you are dealing with emotional eruptions surrounding anger issues, look beneath the anger to see what may be hurting or afraid. Then, look within the hurt or fear, to find the primary cause and to identify any left-over reactions from past events that may be magnifying or distorting your awareness of the present circumstances. Comfort, validate and recognize your feelings, allowing yourself full expression of them in a safe way--alone, in a letter, or shared with an objective friend. Get clear about what may still need to be said, in the present moment and to the other person involved, to heal any current-time imbalance between the two of you. And, most important, learn to say what you need to say without any ulterior motive or manipulation. Let the other person be where they are even if it leaves you temporarily feeling needy. Any response you might force from them with your anger will not fulfill that empty space more than temporarily, anyway. Say it for yourself, not for them. Remember that the only person you have the authority to change is yourself.

I believe in full expression of emotion, in a safe environment and with the focused intent of release, as a way of de-stressing during volatile situations and as a way of clearing the deck, so to speak. Primal screaming, combined with stomping, swinging the arms, jumping up and down, etc., is a really good way to flush your auric field so you can think clearly about what it is that has triggered anger in you. In this way, anger can function as a tool. It can be the energy you need, to force you to deal with a situation that is not acceptable to you. Learn to get away, get alone and safe (or with someone who can provide a safe space), and get it out! Then, after you've allowed full expression, pray sincerely to the God of your knowing, giving thanks and asking for clarity. Then,look again at the situation. When you are not seeing it through a cloud of unexpressed anger, it may look quite different.